China Doll On Tour

I don't know what to do.

It's back to that time of year again, and I don't feel any differently. I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE HOME!

There. I said it. I don't want to go. I don't want to be in a different country with nobody I really know, surrounded by people who just want to go to parties. I don't like parties, but I don't want everyone there to think I'm a freak if I don't go to them. If I'm completely honest, I just don't see myself being able to stick it out for more than a couple of days. The stupid damn problem is this though - I want to do that course. I really do. It's what I've always wanted to do, ever since I was about eight years old. I can't help thinking that if I don't go I'll be missing out on an important opportunity.

Which brings me to Abba - their songs are so bloody relevant to my life. Seriously. 'Money, Money, Money', 'I Have A Dream', 'Gimme Gimme Gimme', 'I Wonder', 'Under Attack' and 'Slipping Through My Fingers' especially - they all perfectly describe different aspects of my life. Oddly enough, four of the above are extremely relevant to this going to university thing. Especially 'I Wonder':

"I wonder, it's frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the hell am I if I don't even try?"

I just wish I did have the courage to try, but I really don't think I do. =(

This is the first part of my non-Disney dvd list which I can screencap if anyone's interested. These are my own dvds, rather than 'family' ones. Not that it makes any difference, it just means I can break the dvds into two smaller lists. And I will get the other list done at some point - hopefully today.

I've added the rest to the list, finally! ^_^

I've put the years beside each title, so you know which one it is (if there's more than one version). Might come in handy.

Movies

• A Night To Remember (1958)
  
• A Room With A View (1985)
  
• The Age of Innocence (1993)
  
• Apocalypto (2006)
  
• Au Revoir Les Enfants (1987)
  
• Beowulf (2007)
  
• Black Beauty (1994)
  
• Blithe Spirit (1945)
  
• Casino Royale (2006)
  
• Chicago (2002)
  
• Clue (1985)
  
• Dangerous Minds (1995)
  
• Dirty Harry - Complete Collection
  
• The Duchess (2008)
  
• Educating Rita (1983)
  
• Evita (1996)
  
• The Exorcist (1973)
  
• Family Business (1989)
  
• The Fly (1986)
  
• The Godfather (1972)
  
• The Godfather Part II (1974)
  
• The Godfather Part III (1990)
  
• Good Will Hunting (1997)
  
• The Great Escape (1963)
  
• Hang 'Em High (1968)
  
• Holiday Inn (1942)
  
• Hot Fuzz (2007)
  
• Hunger (2008)
  
• Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
  
• Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom (1984)
  
• Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade (1989)
  
• Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
  
• Into Great Silence (2005)
  
• In Bruges (2008)
  
• It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002)
  
• Jamaica Inn (1939)
  
• Jumpin' Jack Flash (1986)
  
• Junior (1994)
  
• Juno (2007)
  
• Kill Bill Volume 1 (2003)
  
• Kill Bill Volume 2 (2004)
  
• Legend of the Mummy (1997)
  
• Legend of the Mummy 2 (1999)
  
• Mamma Mia! (2008)
  
• Max Payne (2008)
  
• My Fair Lady (1964)
  
• Night At The Museum (2006)
  
• Ocean's Eleven (2001)
  
• Ocean's Twelve (2004)
  
• Ocean's Thirteen (2007)
  
• Oliver! (1968)
  
• One Fine Day (1996)
  
• Pearl Harbor (2001)
  
• The Phantom of the Opera (2004)
  
• The Pink Panther Collection (originals)
  
• Pride & Prejudice (2005)
  
• P.S. I Love You (2007)
  
• Quantum of Solace (2008)
  
• The Secret Garden (1993)
  
• Scarface (1983)
  
• The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
  
• Sleepless In Seattle (1993)
  
• Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
  
• Starsky and Hutch (2004)
  
• Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
  
• Star Trek: The Search For Spock (1984)
  
• Star Trek: The Voyage Home (1986)
  
• Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)
  
• Titanic (1998)
  
• The War of the Roses (1989)
  
• The Wedding Date (2005)
  
• The Wizard of Oz (1939)
  
• White Christmas (1954)
  

Tv Series

• The Black Adder
  
• Blackadder II
  
• Blackadder the Third
  
• Blackadder Goes Forth
  
• Blackadder's Christmas Carol
  
• Blackadder: Back and Forth
  
• Blackadder: The Cavalier Years
  
• Fawlty Towers (complete series)
  
• Full House (series 1 - 3)
  
• Starsky and Hutch (series 1 - 3)
  
• CHiPS (series 1)
  
• Only Fools and Horses (most episodes, including specials)
  

That's it for the time being. Like I said, I will be adding another list very soon. I will be adding more as I buy them.

If anyone would like caps of any of the movies/tv shows above (or in the Disney list - see last entry) please leave a comment. I'll be more than happy to cap it for you! :)

I have finally found out how to make screencaps of movies, thanks to a tutorial by Kira at Disney Dreams.

So I can now take requests. For now I'll just add a list of Disney movies I can cap, but I'll update with a list of non-Disney movies soon. They might take a bit longer because there's so many more of them, but anyways. :D If you would like me to cap a movie for you, please just leave me a comment!

Animated Disney List

• Pinocchio
  
• Dumbo
  
• Bambi
  
• Cinderella
  
• Alice In Wonderland
  
• Peter Pan
  
• Lady and the Tramp
  
• 101 Dalmatians
  
• The Sword in the Stone
  
• The Jungle Book
  
• The Rescuers
  
• The Fox and the Hound
  
• Oliver & Company
  
• The Little Mermaid
  
• Beauty and the Beast
  
• Aladdin
  
• Pocahontas
  
• The Hunchback of Notre Dame
  
• Hercules
  
• Mulan
  
• Tarzan
  
• The Emperor's New Groove
  
• Atlantis
  
• Lilo & Stitch
  
• Treasure Planet
  
• The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea
  
• Cinderella: A Twist In Time
  

Non-Animated Disney

• Mary Poppins
  
• Enchanted
  
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
  
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
  
• Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
  

Pixar

• Toy Story
  
• A Bug's Life
  
• Toy Story 2
  
• Monsters Inc.
  
• Finding Nemo
  
• The Incredibles
  
• Cars
  
• Ratatouille
  
• Wall-E
  
• All Pixar Shorts :D
  

I will update this list when I buy more Disney dvds - I'm always trying to complete my collection, but the shops where I live hate me and only stock 'em for a week or two. >.

We only got the internet set up in the new house yesterday, so I've only just been able to get back to posting here.

During the last two months (almost), our dog has run away, I've been to England and back, Eoghan Quigg didn't win X Factor (thank God!), I've started an Open University course, I still haven't got a job and I'm sick to death of the new house. I hate it.

Honestly, I don't know why I've bothered updating this just to moan about things I'm sick of. I'm almost starting to wish I had never decided to take a gap year.

Hmpf. I don't really know what else to say.

Except ... I absolutely adore George Clooney.

We are moving into a new house which we are renting, and the owner of the house was just here discussing forms and all that jazz. Anyway, I didn't actually see him - but he did have a strangely attractive voice.

I imagined he'd be an arrogant stereotypical businessman - but he just sounded so not what I was expecting.

He's probably not attractive at all, but you never know. I don't know when I'll get a chance to see him though - if we have finished all dealings with him now, he won't have any reason to turn up at the new house unless we ask him to.

He's officially my favourite Neighbours character.

I love the current UK pace storyline with him and Nicola. It's so predictable, but I'm really enjoying it.

Is it wrong that I find him attractive?






Maybe I just need a life.

Fed up, fed up, fed up! xD

I'm tired and hungry and I've run out of chocolate...not good! I love those giant Aero bars for a £1, and I've eaten two in the last four days. Not good for my teeth at all, and completely out of character for me. I just don't eat chocolate. Ever!

We are moving into our new house soon. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I can't help feeling that we'll be wasting our time.

Still no job. I've basically given up all hope of finding one - if so many people are losing jobs now and are unemployed even with their amazing qualifications and experience, how could I possibly hope to get anything with no office qualifications or experience? My only hope is to get a job with my aunt, but I'm becoming a bit skeptical about that too.

I bought Mamma Mia on dvd the other day. It's the only film I could happily watch over and over again. I think it's got some hypnotic force. Curse ABBA. Curse them! xD

In other news, I'm really enjoying making icons and other graphics for the Disney Dreams Secret Santa event thingy - I was dreading posting my awful gifts, but even I can see a vast improvement from the first one I made last week until the most recent, which I made about fifteen minutes ago. I might post them here in the New Year, after the Secret Santa thing is over. Just in case!

I'm also enjoying watching Little Dorrit on BBC1. I love it!

Now I'm going to have some money worries coming up to Christmas - Secret Santa presents, presents for my family, presents for a few friends..and then birthday presents in the first week of January. If I budget it all properly, I can buy cheap-ish but good gifts, while also saving for Egypt Cruise 2009. It WILL happen!

Heh, the title looks like Roman Numerals..xD

Anyway, still no job. I'm considering asking my aunt if she still has a job at her taxi firm for answering phones and stuff. She said she was looking for someone when we were in England on holiday in August - and I don't think she'll have anyone yet, to be honest. She said she couldn't trust anyone to not steal from her if they weren't family. Anyway, I'll see if she's still got a job going, give it a couple of months and see how it goes.

I'm really sick today, my head feels like someone has stuffed it with cotton wool or something. And I was freezing when I got up this morning, so I kept my pj top on. Trust me, something which seems like a good idea first thing in the morning can turn out to be one of the stupidest mistakes you've ever made.

I've signed up for the Secret Santa thing again. I'm going to put some real effort into it this year, to try and erase the memory of the pathetic present I bought last year. I never received a present last year either - I can't decide if the person didn't bother sending one or if it got lost in the post. I suppose it doesn't really matter, as long as there's not a repeat this year.

It frustrates me so much when everyone is at home. I can't watch Scrubs or Neighbours, I can't use the X Box and no one will shut up for five minutes. Roll on tomorrow is what I say!

I was in a good mood earlier today..it started off rocky, but then it brightened up a bit. I watched Junior, which is a silly but very entertaining movie, then watched most of EastEnders, which I'm enjoying at the moment. And up until then, I was in a good mood.

But then Daddy came home. I knew immediately that he would start irritating me, and he surpassed himself. However, instead of simply fussing over meals as usual, he chose another tactic. He decided to look for his credit card.

He wasn't just looking for it like anybody normal would. Here is a brief overview of the beginning of it..

Dad-Has anyone seen my credit card?
Us-No
Dad-Well someone must have. It's very important you know.
Us-Well..we don't know
Dad-What did I do yesterday?
Us-...
Dad-Does no one know?! When did I order the oil?
Me-I didn't know you did.
Dad-Well I did. What time did your mother go to work yesterday morning?
Us-She..didn't?
Dad-What time was it when I ordered the washing machine?
Us-We don't know.
*Three of 'Us' left the room..leaving the other two to face him alone*
Dad-*repeats the questions over and over, ending it with the 'it's oh so important' speech*
Me-Look, I don't know anything about it. I was in my room all day yesterday until I went to work.
Dad-Well someone must know where it is. Someone could have it and be spending all our money!
Me-If I wasn't here when you had it last, how could I possibly be able to do anything about it??
Dad-*repeats same old, same old, while drumming his fingers on TV*

It's so annoying when he's in that mood. It also doesn't help when everyone else in the room decides to develop Selective Hearing, so I'm the only one answering when I know nothing about it.

Then, to top it off, he annoyed me even more when Mummy came back from work. I needed to talk to her for two minutes, just before she went to the shop. She sat down to talk to me, then he came rushing back into the room to bring her out right then. Even though he heard me asking to talk to her.

Added to that, everyone else decided to interrupt me just when I needed to ask her something just as she was walking out the door.

So, I'm in a foul mood again. And of course, it isn't their fault, is it? It's all my fault because I obviously don't get enough sleep and I'm just unreasonable and everything.

And on top of that, for some reason everything is reminding me of Marlon. Every single song which is coming on my laptop seems to relate to how I feel about him...

I'm sick of thinking about that Hell Hole. Sick of it. I don't want to work there ever.

When I quit there, I intended for that to be it. It's been some kind of emotional Hell ever since Marlon left, which is something I can't go through. I'm not the type of person who can deal with being screamed at, or even just waiting for someone to criticise me. I just can't deal with it. Ok, it was never perfect when Marlon *was* working there - I can think of several occasions when he hurt me. And it was so much worse when he hurt me because I really cared what he said and did. But without him, it's so much worse. There is no protection from the managers at all.

The worst of it is, for whatever reason they have decided to keep putting me on the rotas. And I can't even think how I'll get out of this, because whenever there's a hint of someone quitting, they pretend to be nice. They are so two-faced it's unbelievable - and this just makes it so much harder to say no because, quite frankly, I have no spine. And yes, I am scared of them. I can't be in that sort of environment, it slowly chips away at my self esteem.

In other news, I'm sick to death of the so-called "friends" I have. There's this girl who is so blimmin' clingy, and if I'm honest, I can't stand her. But every single time she wants to go out (and if everyone else is busy) she texts to ask if I'll go. Apparently there was some Halloween thing on last night at her college, and my first thought was "Oh no..what excuse can I think up?" But then I realised - for the first time ever, I had a 100% valid and true REASON for not going out. I had a dentist appointment at 9:00 this morning, and so could not possibly go anywhere if there was to be any hope of me getting up. I texted her that and she didn't reply. So guess who's not getting a reply from me next time they want something!

Finally, the dentist. First time ever he said all my teeth were ok, with the exception of That Front One. But I only need one appointment. He was in a scarily good mood, considering it was Friday morning and he'd been looking at teeth all week. Anyways, he joked that it made a change for me to only need one appointment - in his words, last time I was there, he thought I'd "never stop coming back"! He's cool though..except for the fact that he's a dentist.

That's it for now. I'm glad I had somewhere to vent - all my anger has now been released!

I just can't stop thinking about him.

I was watching a video on YouTube last night, of Nicola Roberts performing 'Wind Beneath My Wings' on Pop Stars: The Rivals. It really struck a chord in me.

That is OUR song. It reminds me of working with Marlon on Sundays. It will always be our song. And her (short) rendition was so beautiful..it made me cry.

I don't know what I'll do if I don't ever see him again. I need to see him again. I know it's stupid, because he's married and maybe it is just a crush. But..it does feel like so much more, which is ridiculous.

In a way it's better for me to not see him frequently, but it still hurts.

Hopefully I'll see him before Christmas-he's bound to come down to see us before Christmas. If not..my whole opinion of him will be drastically altered.

Apparently the Hell Hole require my services tomorrow. Fair enough-but they didn't even have the decency to ask me. I only found out when someone mentioned the fact that I was on the rota again. No phone call, nothing.

I'd give anything to not go there tomorrow. Anything. Sadly I'm too much of a coward to break my own wrist/arm (fingers are out of the question, after reading Live and Let Die!).

So it seems I can only pray to God that either I have an unfortunate accident between now and half five tomorrow-preferably one which won't prevent me from going to the party!-or that they see the light and decide they hate me as much as I hate them.

Sadly, I have the sickening feeling that God won't be listening to me today!

My mother actually said "But they want you there", when I was complaining about it. All I could think was "Well I want *him* here"..thinking about Marlon. My life officially sucks-I never get my own wa. It's just not fair.

Here's a short entry, because this is playing on my mind a lot..

I think my shyness has greatly affected my life. I'm fine when I'm with close friends, but with people I'm not close to, I feel like I'm coming across as moody and unfriendly. And uptight-my form teacher/s did not like me because they both, for whatever reason, had a semi-laid back attitude towards everything. And both liked being sarcastic. Especially my first form teacher. Anyway, I must have seemed so weird.

As for other people..it's my shyness which makes people think I'm arrogant. But I'm not. I have more self-confidence issues than people realise. The difference is that I try to do well. Which is what led to what I like to call the Easter Incident 2008, when I found that Bebo page belonging to someone who used to go to school with me. He had stolen a photo of me from my page, which was one from my formal, and wrote "****ing retard" next to it.

The irony of that situation is that, up until that point, I would have been prepared to do anything for him.

My shyness is holding me back a lot actually. As well as my laziness.

My teeth hate me.

It does not matter what I eat or drink, my teeth start decaying. Admittedly, that's partly my fault-I don't always brush because I'm a lazy so-and-so. In fact, that might be the Big Reason behind my dental problems.

But that to one side, every single time I go to see the dentist, I find out I need more work done. In the last 8-10 years, I've had a grand total of...seven fillings, two root fillings, an extraction and a couple of other bits and pieces. I hate fillings. I try to go as long as possible with a bad tooth to put off having another filling.

I was 10/11 when I hd my first root filling. The original filling had fallen out on Halloween when I was eating a toffee apple, and I didn't want to go to the dentist. So I went for a year and 7/8 months with a tooth slowly getting worse and worse. I spent most of that time in agony, but I still put up with it. I eventually gave in when it randomly started to feel like someone was giving me an electric shock in my mouth.

Last year, I had a bad experience with a similar incident. A filling had broken and I had to go to the dentist, who was pleased to say I'd just need another root filling. That was bad enough-but he put a temporary thing in until the next appointment, which was a couple of weeks away. Between the appointments, the tooth got worse and my gum started to swell up and turn yellow! Yellow! Then it popped, which was revolting. Then it started again. And to top it off, when I went back to the dentist, he ignored the infection and suddenly realised that the tooth was split in half-and he had to extract it. That evening, Mum cooked rice. Rice. You can just imagine where all my rice decided to go..!

In July, I was forced to put up with more pains, because I had two "small" holes. I was in agony for a whole week, then at my appointment the dentist told me one of the holes was bigger and was almost at my nerve. I felt like slapping him-I could have told him that without looking at x-rays!

Finally, my new one. It's my front tooth, so I can't leave it. But I don't want another injection in my front gum. It hurts and feels weird all through my nose. I am petrified of needles in my mouth anyway, but the front gum is Hell. Every time the dentist sticks a needle in any gum, I tense up and he has to go "It's ok!".

The only consolation is that the dentist is the best. He's like..an anti-dentist. I used to have an evil woman dentist, but now I have him and he's so cool. Which makes me feel worse when I go there.

In the last few years, to try and improve my dental-ness, I have stopped eating toffee apples, skittles, strawberry bonbons, most chocolate, most other sweets, smoothies, juice and on top of that I've had to seriously cut down on coke. It's just not fair that my teeth are just getting worse.

Resolution for rest of life-brush teeth EVERY day. I mean it.

This is where a blog-thing really comes in handy.

For the last week or so, but especially during the last couple of days, I have been extremely irritable over every single little thing. I could tell I was getting that way during the week when I was "combing" my hair with my fingers and a lot can out-not just one or two little hairs, like a thickish thing, which always means one thing. Anyways, yesterday it escalated into my feeling violent.

Mum was at work, so after Dad did the washing up, he said that we had to share the drying up between us. One of my sisters did some, and when Dad went to get Mum I tried to work out a fair way for the rest of us to do it. Fine-until my other sister downright refused to do anything, as did one of my brothers. So instead of trying to sort it out, I started flinging things around, shouting about how useless they are and did it myself, slamming every single mug, plate and piece of cutlery onto the side.

I can't help it. Anything could set me off-like when my brother was tapping his foot yesterday. Last Monday, my dad kept tapping his fingers on his knee, and I had to look in the opposite direction or I'd have flipped out then too.

Just now, I flipped out because my sister told me to shut up and Dad did nothing to discipline her, and also because Mum went out with my other sister when I wanted her to stay at home with me. I can't take this anymore, I keep telling myself to calm down but if something annoys me, I can't help it. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just don't know. I need help, I'm starting to think I'm clinically depressed or something.

I am sick to death of copyright claims made by RCA Records on YouTube.

I have/had two Disney fan-videos which had Christina Aguilera tracks over the top. A couple of years ago, RCA Records had one removed due to copyright issues, simply because I used Christina Aguilera's songs. A couple of days later, they obviously realised how stupid the claim was and YouTube reuploaded it. Please note that I had two videos, and they only claimed this on one. Which makes no sense. Surely they didn't just search "Christina Aguilera" and pick on one random video, while ignoring the same user's other videos?

Anyway, today, I got an email from YouTube. Saying the same thing-except now they've had the other video removed. Surely they aren't that slow? They can't be serious.

I swear on anything you like that I will never, ever use CA songs in anything ever again. I'm almost tempted to delete both videos and write RCA Records a strongly worded letter. I also swear I will never buy anything by that hagbag ever again-I am not a fan anyway, and personally I think her voice is mediocre. I only like two songs by her, the ones I used on those videos. They should be grateful that someone would stoop to put her name on their creations.

In other news, Scrubs is addictive. *Dr Cox*..so wrong..

Aside from my sudden need to use this smilie..>.<...I've also developed an obsession with Scrubs.

Although I've always sworn to myself that I'd never, ever get addicted to the following shows...

Scrubs
Heroes
Ugly Betty
Gray's Anatomy
Desperate Housewives
(and so on and so forth)

...I have verged on addiction with all of them. With the possible exception of GA-that never seems to be on.

Anyway, I've always tried to watch "original" shows which no one else watches. For instance, Two And A Half Men, Star Trek TOS, Blackadder, Waterloo Road...and similar shows. Just because no one else watches them-in my age bracket anyway!

But I let myself become addicted to Scrubs. It wasn't my fault-it's actually just because of Dr. Cox. He's not physically attractive to me, but I still find him "sexually appealing". I can't explain it, but I read that last sentence somewhere before. xD

That's it. I just wanted to let that out.

Thankfully, the other shows aren't on at convenient times for me-Scrubs is on at lunchtime, just before Neighbours and Eastenders, so I can watch it then, but most of the others are on in the evening when I don't watch TV. Hah!

I was supposed to find out about a job today, but I was tired and woke up in a bad mood. So I refused to go anywhere. I'm starting to regret it now...I need a job.

I found another lump today, smaller than the last one and in almost the same place. Mummy says I should go to the doctor, but I don't want to. The last time was horrible-those doctors didn't want to take it seriously because of my age, which made me feel like I was wasting their time.

I just don't see the point in feeling utterly humiliated at several appointments, only for them to say it's nothing. But then again, what if it is something?

I suppose I can always make an appointment and change my mind. I just wish I hadn't mentioned it to Mummy now.

No job so far..I applied to BT and just got a receipt for my CV..woohoo. There'll be a response within 5-6 days apparently-hopefully it'll be good news. I'm starting to develop a guilty conscience from sitting around doing nothing all day.

The countdown commences for Quantam of Solace and Max Payne. I cannot wait to see QoS-Casino Royale was brilliant...I admit that I didn't enjoy watching it at home as much as the older movies-From Russia With Love for example. I found FRWL so much better. ANYway. Daniel Craig is brilliant as Bond. All he needs is Pierce Brosnan's looks and he'd be 100% perfect. Brosnan is hot for an old guy..xD

As for Max Payne...I've loved the games since..2004? Anyway, I love the story. Ever since I first finished Max Payne 2, I wanted a movie. But I know it will let me down. There is no way it can live up to my expectations. I wish they were making two movies, of each game. Instead it looks like they're mashing the stories together, which sucks. But who knows-maybe it'll exceed my expectations. I just hope they don't butcher the stories too much. The story of the first game is perfect.

Anyway, enough about that. Must get back to doing something constructive. Maybe grow a spine-the coalman just came and because I'm home alone I hid, curled up on my bed, and didn't even move a muscle until I heard him start to drive away. I'm such a coward..xD

I don't like it.

I'm not qualified for half the jobs going, and the ones I am qualified for I can't apply for because I have no relevant experience. That's stupid. If all jobs require experience, no one can get them and therefore no one will ever be experienced.

Grrr...

I love Lilo & Stitch. I've been watching it over and over the last few days!